Turning The Light On

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." 
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Over the last wee while I have noticed myself falling deeper into unhappiness.  I have been aware of this for some time but I have never really stopped to think about it or had any desire to try to change how I was feeling, mainly because there has always been something else going on.

Sometimes I feel like it's something that I can't control, no matter what I do.  I have found myself avoiding social situations and at times public in general.  I turn friends and even family down when they ask to catch up, keeping to myself.  I feel very self conscious about so many things.  I feel awkward when I speak, like I trip over my words and I can't get out what I'm trying to say - that is, when I know what to say in the first place.  I feel very spatially aware, unhappy with my body, trying to blend in as much as I possibly can so that I'm not noticed.  I isolate myself and I feel lonely.  I am constantly exhausted and have no energy or motivation.  I'm moody, sad, anxious and worried all the time.  I have no desire to do things I once loved - like going to the gym, kicking ass and lifting heavy weights or playing my guitar.  I build walls between myself and the world so that I don't get hurt.  I'm worried about what the future holds.  My family situation has been difficult over the last few years and I'm worried about the effect this is having on my parents.  I love my family so much, I don't want anything to happen to them but I also know that stress and age don't go well together.  I feel like I am merely existing and not truly living.  I understand perfect doesn't exist, yet I still strive for it and get let down every single time.  I feel like I haven't truly let myself grow.  I feel like I don't even really know who I am.

Writing all of this down is hard.  I haven't really told anyone how I feel and what I've been going through.  I try and stay positive to the people around me but lately I am so weighed down that I feel like I can't carry on like this.

I want to be happy.  I want to enjoy my life.  I want to be able to do things that I want to do, not because I think it's what others want me to do.  I want to go back to the gym, kick ass and lift heavy weights because I love it, not because I think it's what I should do.  I want to have more energy.  I want to live better.  I want to play my guitar, write songs and be proud.  I want to be creative.  I want to be positive, loving, kind, energetic and someone people love being around.  I want to be unapologetically me and not worry or care about what others may think.  I want to take more pictures and document my life.  I want to be healthy.  I want to do things that take me out of my comfort zone (maybe just baby-steps for this one!).  I want to try new things, experience life, travel and learn.  I want to find love and learn how to love myself.

I'm ready for this next step.  It's time I turn my light back on ♥︎

Love always, 
- G